Is there such a thing as loving too much?

..coz if there is, that's what I'm feeling. You know the feeling when you love someone too much.. it hurts? Not because they don't love you back but.. See, I'm apart with the person I love right now, we're miles apart. The distance makes it hard for me to feel. And I desperately wanna feel. :( I wanna feel him there..I know he is.. I just.. I don't know.. seeking for more. I know I shouldn't be demanding. I don't even know if I have earned the right to it. But. Argh. Enough. I am happy because he loves me. I just..wanna fast forward to that 39 days.

As Always..

I stumbled through a friend's tumblr site and saw this love letter written in Martin Nievera's new CD.

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I AM FEELING, AND WHAT I WOULD WANT HIM TO KNOW...

Back in My New-Old World

I just arrived at HK a few hours ago.

It sucks to leave a place where you're gonna be leaving a lot of people.

Goddammit. I just wanna say that I really really miss you. :(

Please, hold on with me..

Valentines Day

Celebrating Valentine's Day after 2 years of not celebrating it is... GREAT!

I am so happy that even though I'm miles apart, he made me feel appreciated, and loved. I appreciate all the effort he has given into whatever this is. I love him. That's what I am sure of, nothing else. No one else will come close.

P.S. The movie, Valentine's Day, is very nice! Go watch it :)

One of those nonesense moments

I do not know what to write. I have a lot on my mind. But I want to write at this particular moment. Maybe I can just write random words of even phrases..then from there, maybe I can figure out things that are worth sharing.

love.losing.fear.hope.faith.lack of belief.fighting to hold on.happy ever after.nonacceptance.scary.late nights.concert.Philippines.magic 8-ball.valentines.gimmick.someone showing interest but hopefully not.clingy.effort.effort.effort.a for effort.worth it or not.LOVE.did I say love?church.acceptance.family.mom.missing people.missing mom but kind of hating her as well.change.spiritually.emotionally.not to judge people.present and future.irrelevant bad past.one step at a time.LOVE.

LOVE. Here is everything I have ever asked for. Distance, that's the only thing. But for people who truly love each other, there's gonna be no problem. It's all about trust. and faith. FAITH. I have it, but does he? I know, somewhere deep in his heart, he does. Him even taking this big step of trying to make it work, even though he doesn't promise anything, the fact that he's still there texting me everyday, talking to me everyday, that's more of what I would've asked for, it's a big thing already. I know and I understand that I shouldn't make him do what I want him to do, or else I'll just be the same as any other girl around. But I'm not any other girl, I am THE GIRL. It's hard not to be on the same boat about some things, but this is where COMPROMISE comes in. If you love the person we should be willing to compromise. Wait for the right time and moment. I believe everything will fall into place soon. In God's perfect time. Okay I think I'm talking nonsense. Next time I'll talk about all the other random words I have typed above.

I just watched Enchanted and I loved it. This is the song that got stuck in my head.

How does she know you love her?
How does she know she's yours?

How does she know that you love her?

How do you show her you love her?

How does she know that you really really truly love her?
How does she know that you love her?
How do you show her you love her?
How does she know that you really really truly love her?

It's not enough to take the one you love for granted
You must remind her or she'll be inclined to say
"How do I know he loves me?
How do I know he's mine?"

Well does he leave a little note to tell you you are on his mind?
Send you yellow flowers when the sky is Grey? Heyy!
He'll find a new way to show you a little bit every day
That's how you know
That's how you know he's your love

You got to show her you need her
Don't treat her like a mind reader
Each little something to lead her to believe you love her

Everybody wants to live happily ever after
Everybody wants to know their true love is true
How do you know he loves you?
How do you know he's yours?

Well does he take you out dancing just so he can hold you close?
Dedicate a song with words meant just for you?
He'll find someway to tell you with the little things he'll do
That's how you know
That's how you know he's your love
He's your love

That's how you know he loves you
That's how you know it's true

Because he'll wear your favorite color just so he can match your eyes
Plan a private picnic by the fire's glow
His heart will be yours forever
Something everyday will show
That's how you know
That's how you know he's your love

Of Course.. I can do that.

I haven't been updating my blogs because I was avoiding gossip. Or whatever. So, I changed my URL now.

9 days. Excited about it. This is the real test of love, of whether it'll remain, of whether it would last. I hope it will. I BELIEVE. I'm not sure if it's only me who believes but, yeah i will believe. because I have this feeling so strong that we can make it til the end.

10 days. How will they react. Someone I've know from the past, and now is gonna be part of my future. Will they accept? I have fears. But again, I am hopeful. I hope they're open-- to my happiness, to my (old but) new found love, to my future.

12 days. I hope everything will turn out the way it was planned.. and at the end of the night, he get's blessed.

13 days. Will I be ready? To take on another countdown. Will HE be ready? Will we still be as in love as we are? Will love grow even deeper?

I Can't Fight It

Sudden brushing of arms..knees..fingers..

Warm smiles...

Moments of sweetness..

Subtle lines..


ARGH! OH gosh. Suddenly it felt good to like someone again. :)

Random # 2

It's 12:45 PM already and I'm still awake, talking to my best friends. Things are happening over there, on their lives that I really wish I was physically there to be with them. I miss them. I miss my THREE best friends.

Random

I just have to write something because i know it's been a REALLY LONG TIME since i last wrote/posted here. Anyway, I just got back from Manila the other day for a Christmas album launch our church produced, which I am part of. It was a really short vacation-- 4 days, but i got to see most of the people I wanted to see, church friends, college close friends, and Innersoul barkada... and most especially-- FAMILY. It really sucks that even if it's just for a short while of being there, I got attached to everything, all over again, just when I knew I have already adjusted to the life in Hong Kong, that it is a fun, convenient, and free place.. Not that I'm saying that now that I'm back I don't think this way anymore, no, it's just that, I have come to experience my "former" life at home and I miss it. I LOVE WORK, but I also want to spend time chilling with the people I love.

I guess I'll always be crying whenever I visit the Philippines, when I'm on my way to the airport departure gates. :|

HK Disney performers had a gurreeeat party last night, ala ASAP 09 they say. I totally enjoyed it. I believe I'm coming back again to the adjusted me, soon.. until I get back to Manila again.

Ohh Baby Baby!

These days, aside from work I've been following series like Glee, Gossip Girl and Grey's Anatomy.

Uhhmm... I don't really have a point, do I? I don't really have a particular topic on mind do I? Hahahaha. Sorry, I'm just not in the mood. Something makes me feel this way. Like... Pissed off, you know?

One Month.

It's been over a month since I've been here in Hong Kong and I haven't been updating this site for quite some time already. I have been busy. with my new work and my new life.. and I have to say, I'm lovin' it.

Freedom, I think, is the very thing that I've wanted ever since I felt I wanted to be independent already; and I'm getting it now-- late nights, sleepovers, and all those other stuff.. But I have to say I'm becoming a more responsible person as I ever was before. I believe I'm on my way to personal growth, given the drastic change in my life. And I can say I am so much looking forward to that.

A few things I have realized in the course of this transition:
1) Communication is key . And I'm not saying this in a boyfriend-girlfriend setting (although I know it should also be the key) because I don't have a boyfriend, but in a family setting. I now value communication with my parents, compared to who I am back in the Philippines, all eyes on the computer caring about nothing in this world... Now, I am all eyes on the computer, mostly because I do get to talk to them given the technology today, and it's just so refreshing to talk to familiar people after a long day of work with newly found friends (or just people at work). Same goes to my ever beloved friends who are still in contact with me =)

2) Another love can help you get a move on from the past. Okay, maybe most people would say no, and that's what I've been hearing in the past whatever years, but now, I actually met a person who believes in this the same way that I do; so now I know I'm not making this up.. So now I know, a new love would help me completely get through with all the things I've been dealing with; things and moments and memories that has been going on through my mind at random days; things I want to forget but I can't..

I kinda hate this feeling of feeling hatred and love at the same time. I kinda hate the fact that I want to see you but then I don't because all the hurtful things that you said will be brought back.. and I think I've suffered enough that I don't want it to happen again. All I wanted was for us to be friends again. I never did anything destructive to you, to your relationship, to whatever. It was just a brief moment of time (for you), a moment of thrill and excitement, so I still can't explain or justify why the hell did this get to you that much... So much that after you've already hurt me, you still had to hurt me all over again by the things that you've said. I hate it that I'm having a hard time moving on... Because it was just a month or so, but for me it felt so real and so genuine.. When it was the opposite for you.

Farewell For Now

Suddenly after reading a friend's letter for me, it dawned (YES GAMIT KO DIN TERM MO JILL :)) ) to me that I really am gonna be leaving soon. I don't know if people think this is shallow, I mean, it's gonna be for a year only and, it's only in Hong Kong... But you don't understand. I've never been away from my family and friends for a long time. The longest time I've been away was... 12 days I think when I went to China, and that was, 3 years ago? Anyway, now I'm crying my heart out, and I just want to take this opportunity (me bring so emotional) to write messages for people. WALANG AANGAL DITO AH, MOMENT KO ITO: (In no particular order)

JILL: I HAAAAATE YOUUUU. You made me cry I so hate you! JOKE. Hahahaha gusto ko pantayan yung mga sinabi mo sa letter pero uulitin ko lang din yung sinabi mo dun. Basta, okay fine one year. DON'T YOU QUIT OKAY, ON EVERYTHING (you know what I mean). It'll be great, just wait (yesssss it rhymes!). You don't know how much I am thankful to God that we have this friendship (tingnan mo inuulit ko lang sinabi mo haha), because... because of so many things. You know that I'm happy to have you as a friend kahit na "you're mocking me" hahahaha. Basta yuuuun. You'll visit me ok! I love you powzzzzzz! P.S. I am blessed to have an anointed worship leader friend like you. NAKSSSSSS =)) =)) =))

CELINE: HAYYYYY! I know it sucks that I'll be leaving the day after your birthday and I won't be seeing you even on the day of your birthday AND we'll be meeting on Friday on a restricted schedule (because you only have an hour and a half lunch break and I can only stay for an hour sorry!). Pero amongst everyone (except my church friends) ikaw ang pinaka madalas ko nakikita eh kaya I guess okay lang. Pero I will miss you, you know that, like I've said before our friendship was i think composed of about 80% of us being physically together, nagbago lang yun after we graduated and we kinda had to adjust to it. :)) Ah basta basta this is another test of friendship and I know we'll make it. :) yess magjowa nga talaga tayo!! I love you boyfriend!!! Oy yung deal natin ha, dapat bago ako bumalik meron ka ng..... alam mo na ;) ** KOR: HOY! I AM WATCHING YOU! (You know what I mean) :D ** MAMAS AND PAPAS: I love you po! hehehe! thank you po sa bawat paghatid at pagpapalamon sakin. Puntahan nyo ko ako sa Hong Kong magttreat ako! HAHAHA!

DEZ: We barely saw each other na and that's sad but like we've said, sanay tayo sa ganito. I know, even though we don't get to talk a lot, that we still have each other's back. You are my UGLY TRUTH. Thank you for giving me advice that's harsh but at the same time, true. You know me very well and I love that about you, it seems like I don't have to tell you if I'm sad or whatever, you just know. And you know the right words to say MOST OF THE TIME. :)) I admire you and I know you're gonna go far. Keep you head held high, someone's bound to come in the right time :) And ngayon pa lang I congratulate you na. I believe in you. :D

EDAH AND CLAR: PANGET KAYO. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! I love you and I will miss you! :) Edah I'm proud of you, you'll be working na! Sabay tayo ng first day! Clar! mAghanap ka na, anu ka magiging housewife ni Popoy?! HAHAHAHA! No, seriously, we've been through a lot, and you may think I am crazy most of the time but, hahaha I can do this na. :) Keep in touch okaaaaay?

PASTOR ERIC, ATE CY AND NASH: HEHEHEHE. Thank you po for everything, from the very start, for believing in me on my very first Sunday as a part of the Worship Team you let me sing a Special number. It meant a lot. I just want you to know that I look up to you as an inspiration in leading and serving the Lord ayuuuun. Thanks for always being there for me :D I WILL BE BACK! PROMISE! :))

PASTOR REY AND PASTORA JOYCE: WEEEEE. Hehehehe :) Thank you po for being my mom's friend and everything. I super duper love your family to bits! :) I know God will guide you whatever path you may take. :D

NEW LIFE MUSIC TEAM AND REVEALED: Thank you for being a part of my life in New Life. I regret that I only joined this team this year, but I am blessed to have met all of you. I will see you soon! :D

INNERSOUL (New and Old): I will miss you! Visit me I know you can! =)

CAO FRIENDS: YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE! thanks for the messages in YM and text asking me about my flight and whatever else! Mara, Kat, Mario, Berba (yan kasi yung mga ngttext at ng Ym sakin so walang magtatampo haha) I love you all! :D

Supposedly Dated August 30

Now I understand to hold you I must open up me hands and watch you rise...

I was listening to my iPod when the song Butterfly by Mariah Carey was played. These words above are the ones that were stuck in my mind. I don't know why...

But I will stand and say goodbye, for you'll never be mine...

I guess I need proper closure. I don't wanna get stuck with this mess for a long time especially now that everyone's practically moving on with their lives... I just need a fresh start please. :(

I typed this on my iPod almost a month ago... Now, nomehow, I'm slowly picking up the pieces and trying to get on with life. I'm really bad at this part of my love life (or should I say lost love life? HAHAHAHA!)

Counting The Days..

As the days draw near, I feel... I don't actually know what I'm feeling. I've been counting the remaining Sundays I'll be able to sing... Counting the Wednesdays I'll be able to sing and attend the Revealed Service.. Counting the days that I could spend with my family watching Grey's Anatomy (yeah, I've persuaded my mom and dad to watch and they're liking it) and eating and laughing (yeah we don't fight as much right now thank God)... Counting the days I could spend with my friends...

I actually am looking forward to stating anew. Meeting new friends. Forgetting what needs to be forgotten. Leaving what needs to be left behind. But on the other hand, I don't want to forget something that have taught me something. Wounded me but made me stronger. Pushed me to my limits. Set my boundaries.

I want to achieve something. But I feel like... I'm not good enough, I'm not worthy, I don't have what it takes. I used to really want it. I used to have visions of me doing it. But I just can't feel it.

To Jillian

I look at you and I see a very talented and wonderful singer who's so anointed. You may think you didn't do well but you did. I know it's God but, I'm still proud of you. You're ready, and, it is your season believe me. :)

Apologize

I just wish you'd be man enough to say sorry for the things you've caused me, the way I did to you. You acted as if you were the victim, not that I'm saying I was the victim 'coz I'm not, we both chose this. But I just want you to acknowledge that it wasn't only you who got hurt; I got hurt badly too, I don't know if you had an idea (of course you do, I told you I loved you). I think, I'm over you I know I don't love you anymore, but I'm not over what you did and I won't be over until you say, "I'm sorry".

Read Between the Lines (Starbucks Entry #3)

12:11 AM

We had the right love at the wrong time...

I'm actually here at a churchmate's workplace, we went straight here after the "supposed to be recording". It's a Japanese Club (now now, don't judge, you don't know what it looks like, it's not a bad environment, I've seen it firsthand), and I'm staying inside the Tech Booth right now, while the Japanese customers dance with their CCA (they're not called GRO anymore; and they look decent and presentable actually, nothing really slutty) while waiting for him to finish talking to the Manager that evening.

I guess I always knew inside, I couldn't have you for a long time...

The "supposed to be" recording at 5:00PM actually really started at 6:00PM, and we weren't actually able to record anything; it basically consisted of just rehearsals, for both me and Kuya.

And if they're calling you away, I have no right to make you stay...

I'm going to a friend/ex-colleague's play this Saturday and I'm so excited. Partly because I'll get to see our other friends, and partly because I'm so thrilled with him embarking on a "new journey" like this, like me. I have known in the past that this was what he really wanted; and I'm so glad that he;s able to fulfill all his dreams; I know he'll surely go a long way-- with those looks and talent, it's UNDENIABLE. He's even starting it big, being an alternate to a famous teen singer and theater actor. I'm a proud friend. KUDOS TO YOU! =)

Somewhere down the road, our roads are gonna cross again, it doesn't really matter when...

Cel got her Mac already!! I'm so happy for her and looking forward to recording maybe even a song or two before I go. :) And moreover, I'm excited to have a Mac myself! December (or earlier) please? :D

Letting go is just another way to say I'll always love you so...

You Are Not Alone

You are not alone in feeling sad that I'll be gone soon, that I'll be missing this brand new friendship that we have, that I won't be hearing much from you in a few weeks' time... and all that (I can go on and on, but there's just a lot, others not meant to be seen by others *wink* haha). But all I want you to know is that, during that short time, you've made me feel welcomed, you've opened the door to meeting new people and being more at ease in the environment that we are in; being more at ease with you. I think I have never met a girl that I've easily trusted with everything, and I guess, in times like these that I don't have anything to talk to, it's nice to know that I have you whenever, almost 24/7. Haha!

For what it's worth, I'd like to thank you, for the wonderful last few months before embarking on a new journey. We'll know soon enough why we are placed by God in each others' lives, so don't think too much haha! You know that I love you and I know that you love me more than you hate me for leaving.

P.S. I know you'll be reading this soon enough. TELL ME WHEN YOU DO OKAY? :)

Never Falling Apart (Starbucks Entry #2)

I've known my bestfriend, Cel for more than two years now. We were in the same organization; a singing group that I joined in when I was about to enter my junior year in college. We didn't actually hit it off as friends, she was one of the older ones in the group (seniority in the organization! Not of age haha when she graduated she was the longest staying member of Innersoul ever haha!) and I was a new one so I bonded with the newer girls since we talk about the same stuff, even though I am classmates with Cel in 2 of my subjects that term I think. I don't actually know when or where did all these best friend thing started to happen but what I know is that those two girls I was close with left the group (Pam migrated to Australia, and Mara just suddenly wasn't attending rehearsals) and technically, we were the two oldest girl members. To make it short, we became the best of friends. Most of our time together as bestfriends were spent literally being together EVERYDAY, because aside from having the same organization, we were also classmates, we were both officers in our last year in college, and we even graduated together. When we're not together (during SOME of the weekends), we constantly text each other or call or anything. We're pretty much like the boyfriend of each other and people jokingly think that way too.

Eventually after graduating, she was the first one (between the two of us) to get a job at a very well known company. But even after starting to work, we'd communicate everyday through text, sometimes calls, but of course as months flew by she became busier. A lot more things were needed to be done, and to top it all off, sha had a new world. Yes, we still text everyday but of course texts are getting fewrer everyday. Don't get me wrong, I understand that. But you see, I'm scared. I'm leaving in a little over a month, and I'm scared! Scared that we'll fall apart, scared that I won't have her anymore when I'm gone, that we'll lose contact and all those things, and I KNOW i don't want that. I don't wanna lose my bestfriends; I don't wanna lose her. We may have a lot of differences in beliefs in general, but that wasn't ever a problem between us. In fact, I can't remember a single thing we really fought over with. We support each other. We love each other. She's my "girly girl" bestfriend; my shopping buddy,my cyber stalking partner (haha!), my duet partner, my manicure-pedicure,naicha loving twin. MY TWIN! MY "BOYFRIEND". :)

Luckily we spent time together yeaterday here at home, watching DVDs, and our 10th year concert, reminiscing about everything and everyone, laughing and all.. I realized, WE'RE NOT GONNA FALL APART AFTERALL. :)