A Tragic Fairy Tale Ending

For like weeks already, I’ve been planning to update my blog again, write about all of the wonderful things that’s been happening to me. I was really really excited to share it to everyone who would want to read… But my laziness caused me not to do it.

Maybe there’s a reason.

That wonderful thing just came and passed by me and left. I thought it could be a start of something new (like a song haha so corny). I thought wrong. I thought I’d be in it for quite sometime, but now it’s gone. I wonder why.

It was all too quick, the connection—physical attraction. I think we got ourselves too much with admiring each other superficially and the things that we can do, and the “getting to know” part, the deeper side, which was the essence of spending time together was… left behind. I can’t blame it to him alone, or to me alone. They say it takes two to tango, and I fully accept that.

During the duration of that blossoming friendship, I changed. Some say I’ve dropped my very strong (and hopelessly romantic) principles on relationships and romance. I’ve allowed myself to be in a situation where I don’t know where to stand; I’ve pushed my limitations so far from what it used to be. The old me who’s once a fairy tale dreamer—who believes in sharing one’s best to the only one s/he truly loves—is missing… All for the hopes that that setup would work. Maybe trying to relate to him placed me in a position that I usually don’t wanna be—a place of uncertainty. But despite that, I still stayed. I still hoped. He made me hope, by the words he’s been saying…

“I think I’m falling in love with you..”

“I never imagined we’d be like this..”

“No matter what happens what you should remember is that I really like you so much and I want to get to know you better..”

“…I do need you.”

“I miss you..”

“I wish you’re right here beside me..”

…What BOYS can do to make a gullible like me believe…

When I was with him, I controlled myself. I never wanted him to feel bounded to me because I would never want to be called “clingy” again (when I wasn’t!); I am sweet if he is, I am a friend if he desires one, I am an accounting teacher if he needs one, I am a sister if he wishes for one. We know there was something, he liked me, I liked him and we wanted to get to know each other. For the first time in months, I felt really happy. I sang love songs, I was easily moved by kilig and all that.
All of a sudden, it was slowly fading… I felt it—but I tried to ignore it, thinking that maybe we just need a little space. So I was there only when he needed me. I was a friend on call, only when he needed me. Until we got so bored with each other, I don’t know. I miss him, I wanted to say so, but I didn’t want to pressure him to say the same thing, or fearing that he might not reply back—because he’s done the quite a number of times,, during the times I thought being sweet to him was a good thing (towards the end of the “friendship). I was afraid. I really was. I wanted to say again that I want him to be in my life, and I’m starting to like him more than just what one can see in the eye. But I can’t. Pride. My pride. I did not let him feel that I was hurting during the times that he won’t text or he won’t respond to my sweetness… I did not let him feel how troubled I was, trying to see what went wrong,, trying to answer questions that in fact doesn’t have an answer. It was then that my friends realized that this isn’t good; that they realized it isn’t healthy for me anymore, that I’m not happy anymore… But still I continued. Yeah, I said I’d be passive; I was. But I always thought he’d come back.

It was that one fateful day that have caused me to shed tears. He ignored me twice. He passed twice and never really acknowledged me. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I felt so weird, as if I did something wrong but I know I didn’t. I was, without a doubt, his best-est friend ‘coz I know I never did anything bad to him, now I wonder why I was treated that way. I felt bad that time, but that night was the lowest point… I poured out my feelings to him—not feelings of admiration but mostly questions of what happened, or what went wrong and all that. He replied with something that was, for me, devastating. It was as if he didn’t read my message at all—he never explained himself and just ended the message by “I’m just a text away if you need me”. That was it. My last straw. With that message he made me conclude that he never really cared about what I feel or even what I say… I knew I had to move on and accept that it just didn’t work out.

But moving on isn’t that easy, even though I know I didn’t really loved him. I don’t know why, I was just held to the fact that it could have been great; it could have been wonderful. It was a great ordeal trying not to miss him. He’s such an adorable boy, and he WAS nice and sweet to me. And yeah superficially, he could be the one I wanted (though he’s not the chinito guy I’d usually prefer haha) (and yeah I know that reason is so shallow but, honestly, it was really counted). And most especially, for a time, I felt that he sincerely wanted this, he wanted us to work out. I wish that sense of longing lasted, but, I could only dream. He was/is a playboy—some people warned me that. But I was just this stupid girl who believed that he’s changed; that he wanted to be serious.

What’s stupid-er is that despite all those facts known, I still miss him… I still long to be with him. I still want to be with him, even for a while. I want to feel that he needs me again, let alone be dependent on me, I don’t care. I’ve spent quite some time staring in space, or singing a song and get teary eyed (like a while ago when I was videoke-ing). I STILL MISS HIM. I know many people would wanna kill me for being so stupid because obviously, he doesn’t deserve what I can give him, and I don’t deserve the way he treated me… But please, spare me now,, or for the next few days or even weeks. I’ve been weak and hurt enough that I don’t need more of it… I’ll be over it soon. I hope.

How I wish I could bring it back again.

Or how I wish that right person comes along now.

Oh no. :(

Please Don't Fall

If you do, I might not have enough courage to say no..

And soon enough, I'll realize I have made the wrong decision..

'Coz you're not forever material..

And I don't want you...

I mean, I'd love to be your friend.. But more than that?.. NO.

So please, just don't fall for me..

Find someone else worthy of your attention. :

Ha!

I was judged.

I was hurt.

I was broken.

You broke my heart. You broke our significant relationship. You broke me.

Of all people, I didn't expect this to come from you. It hurts to know that you think I'm doing things for a reason-- for me to have a better spot in the world that we're in. You know what, as a matter of fact, I don't need that...because honestly, I am at a better spot, if not the best, than most people, so I don't need to do what you think I'm doing.

At first, I wanted to explain my side. I wanted to show you that I'm not who you think I am. I wanted to explain the reasons for all my actions that night or for whatever time it occured. But somewhere in my mind, I thought, I don't need to explain anything to you... Since months ago, I decided not to care about what people might say about me... with that thought I became more free-- I had all the freedom to be who I am... And I'm not gonna change myself for you if you think I'm a bad person, and I'm not gonna explain either. I'll just let you think who you think I am. Anyway, I know I can't please everybody... And I'll be out of your life soon enough... Just be patient... In about nine months, I'll be out of your life. For good.

I cried a lot last night, thinking and reflecting and recounting the things that I said to make you say that... Feeling ko ang sama ko na... You made me feel like I'm a bad person... You almost made me lose faith in myself... But then I realized I've given myself valid justifications for most if not all the things you said I did. And with that... I don't care what you say about me.

I thought you were one of the people who could truly understand me... Maybe... I thought wrong. Good thing there are more people who believes in me still.

I am Changing.. :)

I've really been thinking how I've been this past few weeks.. And I realize that I have not been living my life. I was always sad and feeling lonely.. I was always insecure about everything.. I always felt vulnerable.. weak.. inferior...

Now I'm gonna change. starting monday, I promise I won't be :)

Take Me to Your Heart

Hiding from the rain and snow
Trying to forget but I won't let go
Looking at a crowded street
Listening to my own heart beat

So many people all around the world
Tell me where do I find someone like you girl

(Chorus)
Take me to your heart take me to your soul
Give me your hand before I'm old
Show me what love is - haven't got a clue
Show me that wonders can be true

They say nothing lasts forever
We're only here today
Love is now or never
Bring me far away

Take me to your heart take me to your soul
Give me your hand and hold me
Show me what love is - be my guiding star
It's easy take me to your heart

Standing on a mountain high
Looking at the moon through a clear blue sky
I should go and see some friends
But they don't really comprehend

Don't need too much talking without saying anything
All I need is someone who makes me wanna sing
(Chorus)

***I just recently heard this song again.. Saw this from someone's (a guy's) multiply account (the video I mean).. I just find it really really sweet that some guys would want to be in a girl's heart.. It's heartmawrning that there really are people who'd risk everything for love.. It's amazing that there are still a few good guys who'd want to fall in love wholeheartedly..

For the girls who already have "this kind" of guys... Never, ever let them go. It only comes once, okay, maybe twice but they are rare now.

I wish I can still have someone like this. Someone like him..

Dream Boy

I think I found him! Hahahahaha!

Saw him 2 days ago, dancing.. Typical chinito with really cute dimples.. Though his dancing isn't that impressive compared to others (I mean, he definitely knows how to dance, but he kinda lacks the "character" or "charm" that should be in there when you're dancing), but still, I don't care. :)

Found out through his jersey that night that he's from another college, but we're in the same batch.

Found out what his name is, through a friend and his teammate. Searched him through google and found out he's kinda "in demand" (no doubt about that though) hahahaha.

I found his multiply and was touched when some of his blog entries included love stories... I'm a hopeless romantic (as in literally HOPELESS!) and I really really appreciated him even more... More than just looks hahaha!






Too bad I found out he's TAKEN already. :'( just recently.

So much for having MY chinito cutie..

Love is in the air

Indeed, love is in the air.. FOR THEM. not for me.

I don't want to pity myself but I simply just can't help it you know? I refuse to think that I'm not good enough for anybody... But I'm starting to think that I am (again, for the millionth time).

And another thing that bothers me is the thought that maybe, I don't deserve to be happy, afterall. Hello KARMA! Maybe it's payback time now for me.

I hope I have enough things to do so that I wouldn't be able to feel this way... But I don't. My bosses are out (of town, work related of course), and all I'm doing here is either read Lauren Weisberger's The Devil Wears Prada (which happens to be a fun novel to read, though I feel like I'm never gonna ba able to finish at all, 'coz I feel like it's so long!)-- which made me feel sleepy, or play the demo games at the computer here, or open my multiply account (although I'm not updating it, I'm always not in the mood to do that). But nothing can really get my head off these issues in my mind. Yesterday was fine coz I was really busy because we had a technical dress rehearsal for LPEP day 1 which actually ended at around 9:30PM.. After which some of us proceeded to Sinangag Express (SEX) to eat, (coz i haven't eaten all day, except for the oatmeal earlier in the morning).. I got home 11:30 already and it's really really tiring because our LPEP perfoemances (Innersoul's and the Finale) required dancing, which, I really love. :)

But still, it's different today.

Love, why don't you come my way?