For like weeks already, I’ve been planning to update my blog again, write about all of the wonderful things that’s been happening to me. I was really really excited to share it to everyone who would want to read… But my laziness caused me not to do it.
Maybe there’s a reason.
That wonderful thing just came and passed by me and left. I thought it could be a start of something new (like a song haha so corny). I thought wrong. I thought I’d be in it for quite sometime, but now it’s gone. I wonder why.
It was all too quick, the connection—physical attraction. I think we got ourselves too much with admiring each other superficially and the things that we can do, and the “getting to know” part, the deeper side, which was the essence of spending time together was… left behind. I can’t blame it to him alone, or to me alone. They say it takes two to tango, and I fully accept that.
During the duration of that blossoming friendship, I changed. Some say I’ve dropped my very strong (and hopelessly romantic) principles on relationships and romance. I’ve allowed myself to be in a situation where I don’t know where to stand; I’ve pushed my limitations so far from what it used to be. The old me who’s once a fairy tale dreamer—who believes in sharing one’s best to the only one s/he truly loves—is missing… All for the hopes that that setup would work. Maybe trying to relate to him placed me in a position that I usually don’t wanna be—a place of uncertainty. But despite that, I still stayed. I still hoped. He made me hope, by the words he’s been saying…
“I think I’m falling in love with you..”
“I never imagined we’d be like this..”
“No matter what happens what you should remember is that I really like you so much and I want to get to know you better..”
“…I do need you.”
“I miss you..”
“I wish you’re right here beside me..”
…What BOYS can do to make a gullible like me believe…
When I was with him, I controlled myself. I never wanted him to feel bounded to me because I would never want to be called “clingy” again (when I wasn’t!); I am sweet if he is, I am a friend if he desires one, I am an accounting teacher if he needs one, I am a sister if he wishes for one. We know there was something, he liked me, I liked him and we wanted to get to know each other. For the first time in months, I felt really happy. I sang love songs, I was easily moved by kilig and all that.
All of a sudden, it was slowly fading… I felt it—but I tried to ignore it, thinking that maybe we just need a little space. So I was there only when he needed me. I was a friend on call, only when he needed me. Until we got so bored with each other, I don’t know. I miss him, I wanted to say so, but I didn’t want to pressure him to say the same thing, or fearing that he might not reply back—because he’s done the quite a number of times,, during the times I thought being sweet to him was a good thing (towards the end of the “friendship). I was afraid. I really was. I wanted to say again that I want him to be in my life, and I’m starting to like him more than just what one can see in the eye. But I can’t. Pride. My pride. I did not let him feel that I was hurting during the times that he won’t text or he won’t respond to my sweetness… I did not let him feel how troubled I was, trying to see what went wrong,, trying to answer questions that in fact doesn’t have an answer. It was then that my friends realized that this isn’t good; that they realized it isn’t healthy for me anymore, that I’m not happy anymore… But still I continued. Yeah, I said I’d be passive; I was. But I always thought he’d come back.
It was that one fateful day that have caused me to shed tears. He ignored me twice. He passed twice and never really acknowledged me. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I felt so weird, as if I did something wrong but I know I didn’t. I was, without a doubt, his best-est friend ‘coz I know I never did anything bad to him, now I wonder why I was treated that way. I felt bad that time, but that night was the lowest point… I poured out my feelings to him—not feelings of admiration but mostly questions of what happened, or what went wrong and all that. He replied with something that was, for me, devastating. It was as if he didn’t read my message at all—he never explained himself and just ended the message by “I’m just a text away if you need me”. That was it. My last straw. With that message he made me conclude that he never really cared about what I feel or even what I say… I knew I had to move on and accept that it just didn’t work out.
But moving on isn’t that easy, even though I know I didn’t really loved him. I don’t know why, I was just held to the fact that it could have been great; it could have been wonderful. It was a great ordeal trying not to miss him. He’s such an adorable boy, and he WAS nice and sweet to me. And yeah superficially, he could be the one I wanted (though he’s not the chinito guy I’d usually prefer haha) (and yeah I know that reason is so shallow but, honestly, it was really counted). And most especially, for a time, I felt that he sincerely wanted this, he wanted us to work out. I wish that sense of longing lasted, but, I could only dream. He was/is a playboy—some people warned me that. But I was just this stupid girl who believed that he’s changed; that he wanted to be serious.
What’s stupid-er is that despite all those facts known, I still miss him… I still long to be with him. I still want to be with him, even for a while. I want to feel that he needs me again, let alone be dependent on me, I don’t care. I’ve spent quite some time staring in space, or singing a song and get teary eyed (like a while ago when I was videoke-ing). I STILL MISS HIM. I know many people would wanna kill me for being so stupid because obviously, he doesn’t deserve what I can give him, and I don’t deserve the way he treated me… But please, spare me now,, or for the next few days or even weeks. I’ve been weak and hurt enough that I don’t need more of it… I’ll be over it soon. I hope.
How I wish I could bring it back again.
Or how I wish that right person comes along now.
Oh no. :(
