Thesis Crunch Time

Time Check: 2:00 AM, November 21, 2008.

We're waiting for all the data to be organized to be able to run the test and determine whether or not there is a significance between the different variables in our study.something like that.sheesh.

It's thesis time, and it's pretty crazy. This is our second consecutive night together, not to mention the other saturday night where we stayed at jhe's house and tried to finish everything (which obviously failed, kasi we obviously wouldn't be staying here again this time in our house, kung tapos na). Hopefully by today we'll be able to finish everything na magagada rin ang results; na favorable sa study namin..'coz we'll all g crazy i swear.

Not I know how it feels like,, to be super duper hectic.with Innersoul's upcoming concert (it's next week), I've been busy as well with balancing that with my NIGHT CLASSES (imagine how much time i have to rehearse when our rehearsals are also at night)...Actually I don't think I'm doing a good job at it,, I clearly do not like my course,, plus the fact that I don;t think I'm giving enugh effort to be able to stay or have good grades,, because I'm damn sick of it and barely understand any of it. I don't want to be a Finance major,, it's driving me crazy.I wish I was a Marketing major,, I'd enjoy more for sure.Or maybe I'd love to be a performer.Singer forever.

DEADLINES/SCHEDULE:
November 21, 2008
8:00 AM Call time for Studio Rehearsals at QC (that's actually 10:30AM-1PM)
(in the middle-- go to Binondo,, look for clothes for the concert..)
9:00 PM Green Giant Launch Party
FINSTRA Case Study
Thesis to Sir Santoyo

November 22, 2008
9:30 AM FINSTRA make up class
10:30 AM Thesis Defense Briefing
12:00 PM Call time for MaFiA's outreach at Home for the Aged
Thesis Submission to the Panel (for Defense)

November 25, 2008
FINSURE Long Exam

November 26, 2008
FINSTRA Part 2 of the Final Exam

November 27, 2008
Innersoul: Carnivale -- OUR CONCERT. please watch! :) text 0927-4504582 for tickets! :D

November 28, 2008
Submission fo FINSURE Final Paper

November 30, 2008
Rehearsal and Recording for a Miss Saigon medley for Dino c/o Sher (Innersoul Alumni)

There.hectic kung hectic.when I have free times,, I think I still do not have them. haha labo ba? It's becuase I'm busy taking care of all the other non-performing related stuffs of Innersoul.It;s driving me craaaazy.I've got no idea it will be this crazy.But i love beng in my org so anything for this org if fine by me.

So there. i don't think I'm even making sense here,, but the jist is that,, I'm so damn busy and I just thought I'm not able to write here anymore..so I just had the need (and want) to update this one.Hopefully by the next time i'll be blogging here, i'll be talking about how successful the concert was,, and how happy i am to be able to pass the defense and all my major (and last) subjects. :)

This is it!

Okay erase my previous post.I no longer have a crush on Maui anymore.i have a new crush!but I'll keep it to myself for now (well for the people reading this who doenst know yet,I don't want to spoil anything!haha!)

He's a Born Again Christian..

Only a few months my junior..

He's waaay taller than me..

I thought we'll forever be two worlds apart.He's like a "celebrity" and am not.

But Kat (through Simon) is about to close the gap between us. Hopefully, it will be a great experience. It's been really crazy, liking him...




DAYDREAMING AT ITS FINEST!!!



I hope I won't be daydreaming the next time.... :))

About many, many things.

First of all, I'd like to say I'm quite devastated about the outcome of the DLSU-ADMU Championship game. I'm not bitter and I'm not gonna say anything bad about ADMU, or the referees of the game, or whoever, because I'm already tired of hearing those kinds of things (but I'm not going to deny, I agree on some points). Ateneo won this year's championship.It's over. Let's all move on. Even the Green Archers and their coach moved on already so I guess we all should,too. There's always a next year, and though I'm not gonna be a student in La Salle anymore, I'll forever support my Alma Mater. :)

Speaking of Green Archers.. I'm so crushing on Maui Villanueva.hahahaha! It's my first time to be liking a basketball varsity in school, and it's crazy! When I see him around school, I giggle like a highschooler. I'm so pathetic, I know! but then, it helps me get away with all the pressures and thoughts I've been in in the past few days.. So, I hope I see him a lot more often.. Besides, it's my last term in DLSU, so I should use my time to the "fullest"! Hahahahaha!

**Lorraine told me I should take a picture with him (like they did after one game at Araneta), and I said I don't want to appear like I'm a fan of his, coz he'll just think I'm just one fan of his and might not be interested anymore.. TALK ABOUT DAYDREAMING! =))

Okay, back to reality... :)

Longing.

I am longing to be in love, be loved..

Pity (just a boring story of yesterday's events, nothing poetic or something; a diary entry haha)

Hours before the dreaded meeting, I felt nothing awkward. I was just happy hanging out with my friends at Starbucks Taft (the new one) after singing at Lacasita Andrew for the retiring CBE profs, planning to watch a movie at Promenade in a little while, then planning to watch the rehearsals of the Kundirana 2004 members (at LSGH, Kundi Hall) for their upcoming concert. I knew then that he's gonna be there, of course, and they all teased me about it.

We went to Promenade only to find out that we're running late from the movie schedule and we couldn't watch 'coz the guys are gonna have their rehearsals soon. So we just went around Greenhills searching for Cel's gift for someone (we ended up empty handed by the way), and went back to Promenade where our other friends are staying. We all then headed to LSGH. I HAD TO LOOK GOOD, I told myself. I would never want him to see me looking crappy, I wanted to look HOT (okay, normally, I wouldn't like to use that word to refer to me coz I feel that it's..too shallow of a word;too physical.)-- good thing I dressed up well 'coz we sang earlier so I was confident about myself.

Wow was the only thing I could say describing the feeling I felt upon going inside the Kundi Hall.The feelings all gushed into me--anxiety,hatred,pain,happiness,loneliness,emptiness,regret. I saw him there, by the corner, looking all weirded up (maybe he knew I was there, Dino went a little bit earlier inside to check who's there, probably warned him that I will be going in shortly)--well I didn't really looked at him, but Kor told me he's quite uneasy.

We were looking at the posters/photos that are around the hall, laughing at all the people we knew there (of course there were a lot).
....
...
..
.

We still weren't talking.While Kizia and I are talking, Dino went over to give me a high five (I don't know why)Vince went over and whisphered (something like this), "Okay lang sayo, nandyan xa, may kausap sa telepono, at hindi kayo ngpapansinan?" "Yeah, I don't care!haha!" (while actually thinking that, a few months back (2 months precisely) I was the one he was talking to in that same phone, before their Springfields rehearsals..)

He was talking to Cel and Kor..and eventually talked to me..I think he didn't have a choice when Cel asked me about something related to what they're talking about..Then there, they left us alone as we talked about his studies,how he's flunking about 3 of his subjects..about his plans of shifting or transferring to CSB..And how I've been saying over and over that he didn't know what he needs to prioritize..I don't know how the conversation ended, but I remmebered JC going up to me saying, "kala ko kung sinong hot, si Tin pala 'to!" (hah! in his face! hahahaha.I just wanted to make him feel and SEE, that I still managed to look okay and be okay afterall.)

I just pitied him--that he only realized, just now (by the looks of his eyes) that he falied miserably, and didn't set his prioties well.I really do hope he'd be able to have another chance at that..

There.Well, he went home earlier than us.

The End.haha!

Gone.

I knew you were gone long ago. But I had the full picture when we crossed paths (literally actually) the other day..

It was such a cold feeling. Yeah we said our "hi's" but it was as cold as ever. It was as if NOTHING happened between us at all.

Where's the warmth?

Where's the sweetness?

Where's your genuine smile?

I miss it. I knew she was right when she told me from the start that I shouldn't let myself give in. She was there, deep inside me, telling me not to go further. But the other told me to just...enjoy. I did. But only at first.

Gosh...I don't wanna get hurt over and over again. I'm sick and tired of all these.

Although I'm better now, looking back is still a painful thing.

Looking at you could be painful too, that's why I keep my eyes away whenever I see you. :(

I wanted to make you feel sorry for leaving me behind-- I wanted to always look good, I wanted to look happy (even when I'm not totally feeling it),I sang my heart out during the concert (but you didn't came) <-- ALL THESE CRAZINESS AND STUPIDITY.. but I guess you're the type of person who won't be shaken by that. And it hurts a lot. Because you've just made me feel even more..... downgraded.

Why do you have to do this to me?

What have I done to you to make me feel this way?

Drama.Drama.Drama.

I'll stick to what my blogspot's all about. DRAMA. I'm all emo all over again, thanks to that f*cking who's making De La Salle Innersoul's life (well for us in the Executive Board) so freakin' hard.

before the drama part, I just want to rant. Officers elected in their respective positions SHOULD KNOW WHAT THEY'RE UP AGAINST. It's not all about the name "President" or "______ Head" or something, with that comes a BIG RESPONSIBILITY that shouldn't be left behind. And. they shouldn't be running AWAY from it. They should have enough courage to do what's supposed to be done. Not just cry in a corner and wait for nothing. Hah. Loser.








Funny that after all these things..after the stress in quizzes, thesis..org...still i think about YOU. yes you. (as if he can read this). You make me sad and stressed....even more.

What do I really want in life?

That's one BIG question.



I want an answer.But I know I won't get it immediately.



I want to be happy.happier (?)

"There is only one happiness in this life: To love and be loved."

Sick of being worried.

I know I shouldn't be feeling this way (or maybe I should if I'm acting like a true friend) but I am.

I am worried because I feel like he's going astray.I feel like his life's a mess right now that all he wants to do is to hang out with his friends and drink, not go to class and all that. I know he's failing one (or maybe two? I don't really know now) subject. I know that he just realized that he doesn't like his course. And lastly, I know he can't afford to live a life like that because he's a scholar. I wish I was there, as a friend, to guide him at least. Okay, so he's a freshman in college and some would say that it's normal (well actually, not for me when I was that age/year in college), experimenting a "bigger" world and everything and that he has to learn from his mistakes (or from the mistakes he's about to make)... But I just can't help but worry.

I just don't wanna see him lose his way over something not worth it at all...or plainly, I just don't wanna see him lose his way. I'd rather teach him again about the things he doesn't understand (or anything!) than see him stumble, face flat on the floor. I wish I could be there, AS A FRIEND, to at least be by his side. But I can only wish. Now I wonder...


Why did things end up this way?

I'd rather be his friend than be his (ex) "lover" (fling actually) if I knew this would happen. :(

A Tragic Fairy Tale Ending

For like weeks already, I’ve been planning to update my blog again, write about all of the wonderful things that’s been happening to me. I was really really excited to share it to everyone who would want to read… But my laziness caused me not to do it.

Maybe there’s a reason.

That wonderful thing just came and passed by me and left. I thought it could be a start of something new (like a song haha so corny). I thought wrong. I thought I’d be in it for quite sometime, but now it’s gone. I wonder why.

It was all too quick, the connection—physical attraction. I think we got ourselves too much with admiring each other superficially and the things that we can do, and the “getting to know” part, the deeper side, which was the essence of spending time together was… left behind. I can’t blame it to him alone, or to me alone. They say it takes two to tango, and I fully accept that.

During the duration of that blossoming friendship, I changed. Some say I’ve dropped my very strong (and hopelessly romantic) principles on relationships and romance. I’ve allowed myself to be in a situation where I don’t know where to stand; I’ve pushed my limitations so far from what it used to be. The old me who’s once a fairy tale dreamer—who believes in sharing one’s best to the only one s/he truly loves—is missing… All for the hopes that that setup would work. Maybe trying to relate to him placed me in a position that I usually don’t wanna be—a place of uncertainty. But despite that, I still stayed. I still hoped. He made me hope, by the words he’s been saying…

“I think I’m falling in love with you..”

“I never imagined we’d be like this..”

“No matter what happens what you should remember is that I really like you so much and I want to get to know you better..”

“…I do need you.”

“I miss you..”

“I wish you’re right here beside me..”

…What BOYS can do to make a gullible like me believe…

When I was with him, I controlled myself. I never wanted him to feel bounded to me because I would never want to be called “clingy” again (when I wasn’t!); I am sweet if he is, I am a friend if he desires one, I am an accounting teacher if he needs one, I am a sister if he wishes for one. We know there was something, he liked me, I liked him and we wanted to get to know each other. For the first time in months, I felt really happy. I sang love songs, I was easily moved by kilig and all that.
All of a sudden, it was slowly fading… I felt it—but I tried to ignore it, thinking that maybe we just need a little space. So I was there only when he needed me. I was a friend on call, only when he needed me. Until we got so bored with each other, I don’t know. I miss him, I wanted to say so, but I didn’t want to pressure him to say the same thing, or fearing that he might not reply back—because he’s done the quite a number of times,, during the times I thought being sweet to him was a good thing (towards the end of the “friendship). I was afraid. I really was. I wanted to say again that I want him to be in my life, and I’m starting to like him more than just what one can see in the eye. But I can’t. Pride. My pride. I did not let him feel that I was hurting during the times that he won’t text or he won’t respond to my sweetness… I did not let him feel how troubled I was, trying to see what went wrong,, trying to answer questions that in fact doesn’t have an answer. It was then that my friends realized that this isn’t good; that they realized it isn’t healthy for me anymore, that I’m not happy anymore… But still I continued. Yeah, I said I’d be passive; I was. But I always thought he’d come back.

It was that one fateful day that have caused me to shed tears. He ignored me twice. He passed twice and never really acknowledged me. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be treated that way. I felt so weird, as if I did something wrong but I know I didn’t. I was, without a doubt, his best-est friend ‘coz I know I never did anything bad to him, now I wonder why I was treated that way. I felt bad that time, but that night was the lowest point… I poured out my feelings to him—not feelings of admiration but mostly questions of what happened, or what went wrong and all that. He replied with something that was, for me, devastating. It was as if he didn’t read my message at all—he never explained himself and just ended the message by “I’m just a text away if you need me”. That was it. My last straw. With that message he made me conclude that he never really cared about what I feel or even what I say… I knew I had to move on and accept that it just didn’t work out.

But moving on isn’t that easy, even though I know I didn’t really loved him. I don’t know why, I was just held to the fact that it could have been great; it could have been wonderful. It was a great ordeal trying not to miss him. He’s such an adorable boy, and he WAS nice and sweet to me. And yeah superficially, he could be the one I wanted (though he’s not the chinito guy I’d usually prefer haha) (and yeah I know that reason is so shallow but, honestly, it was really counted). And most especially, for a time, I felt that he sincerely wanted this, he wanted us to work out. I wish that sense of longing lasted, but, I could only dream. He was/is a playboy—some people warned me that. But I was just this stupid girl who believed that he’s changed; that he wanted to be serious.

What’s stupid-er is that despite all those facts known, I still miss him… I still long to be with him. I still want to be with him, even for a while. I want to feel that he needs me again, let alone be dependent on me, I don’t care. I’ve spent quite some time staring in space, or singing a song and get teary eyed (like a while ago when I was videoke-ing). I STILL MISS HIM. I know many people would wanna kill me for being so stupid because obviously, he doesn’t deserve what I can give him, and I don’t deserve the way he treated me… But please, spare me now,, or for the next few days or even weeks. I’ve been weak and hurt enough that I don’t need more of it… I’ll be over it soon. I hope.

How I wish I could bring it back again.

Or how I wish that right person comes along now.

Oh no. :(

Please Don't Fall

If you do, I might not have enough courage to say no..

And soon enough, I'll realize I have made the wrong decision..

'Coz you're not forever material..

And I don't want you...

I mean, I'd love to be your friend.. But more than that?.. NO.

So please, just don't fall for me..

Find someone else worthy of your attention. :

Ha!

I was judged.

I was hurt.

I was broken.

You broke my heart. You broke our significant relationship. You broke me.

Of all people, I didn't expect this to come from you. It hurts to know that you think I'm doing things for a reason-- for me to have a better spot in the world that we're in. You know what, as a matter of fact, I don't need that...because honestly, I am at a better spot, if not the best, than most people, so I don't need to do what you think I'm doing.

At first, I wanted to explain my side. I wanted to show you that I'm not who you think I am. I wanted to explain the reasons for all my actions that night or for whatever time it occured. But somewhere in my mind, I thought, I don't need to explain anything to you... Since months ago, I decided not to care about what people might say about me... with that thought I became more free-- I had all the freedom to be who I am... And I'm not gonna change myself for you if you think I'm a bad person, and I'm not gonna explain either. I'll just let you think who you think I am. Anyway, I know I can't please everybody... And I'll be out of your life soon enough... Just be patient... In about nine months, I'll be out of your life. For good.

I cried a lot last night, thinking and reflecting and recounting the things that I said to make you say that... Feeling ko ang sama ko na... You made me feel like I'm a bad person... You almost made me lose faith in myself... But then I realized I've given myself valid justifications for most if not all the things you said I did. And with that... I don't care what you say about me.

I thought you were one of the people who could truly understand me... Maybe... I thought wrong. Good thing there are more people who believes in me still.

I am Changing.. :)

I've really been thinking how I've been this past few weeks.. And I realize that I have not been living my life. I was always sad and feeling lonely.. I was always insecure about everything.. I always felt vulnerable.. weak.. inferior...

Now I'm gonna change. starting monday, I promise I won't be :)

Take Me to Your Heart

Hiding from the rain and snow
Trying to forget but I won't let go
Looking at a crowded street
Listening to my own heart beat

So many people all around the world
Tell me where do I find someone like you girl

(Chorus)
Take me to your heart take me to your soul
Give me your hand before I'm old
Show me what love is - haven't got a clue
Show me that wonders can be true

They say nothing lasts forever
We're only here today
Love is now or never
Bring me far away

Take me to your heart take me to your soul
Give me your hand and hold me
Show me what love is - be my guiding star
It's easy take me to your heart

Standing on a mountain high
Looking at the moon through a clear blue sky
I should go and see some friends
But they don't really comprehend

Don't need too much talking without saying anything
All I need is someone who makes me wanna sing
(Chorus)

***I just recently heard this song again.. Saw this from someone's (a guy's) multiply account (the video I mean).. I just find it really really sweet that some guys would want to be in a girl's heart.. It's heartmawrning that there really are people who'd risk everything for love.. It's amazing that there are still a few good guys who'd want to fall in love wholeheartedly..

For the girls who already have "this kind" of guys... Never, ever let them go. It only comes once, okay, maybe twice but they are rare now.

I wish I can still have someone like this. Someone like him..

Dream Boy

I think I found him! Hahahahaha!

Saw him 2 days ago, dancing.. Typical chinito with really cute dimples.. Though his dancing isn't that impressive compared to others (I mean, he definitely knows how to dance, but he kinda lacks the "character" or "charm" that should be in there when you're dancing), but still, I don't care. :)

Found out through his jersey that night that he's from another college, but we're in the same batch.

Found out what his name is, through a friend and his teammate. Searched him through google and found out he's kinda "in demand" (no doubt about that though) hahahaha.

I found his multiply and was touched when some of his blog entries included love stories... I'm a hopeless romantic (as in literally HOPELESS!) and I really really appreciated him even more... More than just looks hahaha!






Too bad I found out he's TAKEN already. :'( just recently.

So much for having MY chinito cutie..

Love is in the air

Indeed, love is in the air.. FOR THEM. not for me.

I don't want to pity myself but I simply just can't help it you know? I refuse to think that I'm not good enough for anybody... But I'm starting to think that I am (again, for the millionth time).

And another thing that bothers me is the thought that maybe, I don't deserve to be happy, afterall. Hello KARMA! Maybe it's payback time now for me.

I hope I have enough things to do so that I wouldn't be able to feel this way... But I don't. My bosses are out (of town, work related of course), and all I'm doing here is either read Lauren Weisberger's The Devil Wears Prada (which happens to be a fun novel to read, though I feel like I'm never gonna ba able to finish at all, 'coz I feel like it's so long!)-- which made me feel sleepy, or play the demo games at the computer here, or open my multiply account (although I'm not updating it, I'm always not in the mood to do that). But nothing can really get my head off these issues in my mind. Yesterday was fine coz I was really busy because we had a technical dress rehearsal for LPEP day 1 which actually ended at around 9:30PM.. After which some of us proceeded to Sinangag Express (SEX) to eat, (coz i haven't eaten all day, except for the oatmeal earlier in the morning).. I got home 11:30 already and it's really really tiring because our LPEP perfoemances (Innersoul's and the Finale) required dancing, which, I really love. :)

But still, it's different today.

Love, why don't you come my way?

The Sun's Gonna Shine After All. :)

A week has passed since my dreaded day-- COURSE CARD DAY.

Yeah, gladly, i passed my FINQUAM..And though at first I was unhappy, I'll choose not to think about it because the good thing is, I didn't fail any subject, and I won't be delayed!

Not, I'm busy with my OJT (I'm actually at work now, but I've got nothing to do yet, so gladly blogger isn't blocked here), my rehearsals for the freshmen orientation (but I lost my voice maybe because of fatigue, I'm still looking for it! hahahaha), and.. well there it is. Those things keep me really busy and always, always out of our house hahahaha.

'Til my next blog.. I'm not really in the mood to write, but I just feel like I need to because it's been a while since I last posted something here. :) I have pictures at my multiply though :)

Time Check

It's 7:00 AM already, I'm done with my hell-ish paper around 5:30 but I'm still awake.. i started doing the other paper but I think I'm not doing it right so I'll wait for my groupmate to answer my query regarding the paper... Anyway, imma study first... :)

Dozing off.

TIME CHECK: 4:00 AM

In an hour and a half, I'm officially 24 hours awake.

Funny how I've been contemplating on the reason why i sleep too much this past few days, doing nothing when I go home but just watch TV, do a little school work and sleep.. Usually, when I wake up to the sound of my alarm clock [my phone], I'll be begging for every "last five minutes.. last five minutes.." until I spent another 30 minutes sleeping.. Then when I'm travelling to school, I automatically sleep and wake up when I'm really really near school.

Now I know the answer. Because I won't be sleeping much for the next few days. IT'S FINALS WEEK. and gosh it has been one heck of a week! Although I'm happy about my past weekend getaway, I kinda am blaming it for my lack of time now. Now I'm trying to finish 3 papers [I actually scheduled it THURSDAY NIGHT, but now, it's FRIDAY MORNING so I'm kinda lagging behind :)].. But I'm still finishing this first one! Me and my groupmates never knew this paper would be one heck of a problem. Let me see.... Out of 6 people working on this project, only two are left, me and Wong! Wow. We're kinda lost now, but we still have to find the courage to finish this paper.

After this, I think I should do my other paper first, take a nap, then start to study perhaps.. BUT STILL. The paper that I've been ranting and crying about still isn't finished. Maybe because of the reason that I do not know how to actually finish it. And I feel like I'm alone even if I'm not because I have a groupmate.. I'm afraid to give him the responsibility although I know I can't handle it on my own...

Sh*t. Ang gulo nanaman ng post ko. Sorry. Sorry talaga. You guys shouldn't have bothered reading this. Pasensya na kung may mga wrong grammar or something. epekto ng kasabawan... or baka ganyan lang talaga ako.

I WANT THIS TO END. :( REALLY REALLY WANT TO...

Please.

For hours now, I've been pulling myself up to do my paper-- a make or break way to pass my hardest finance major ever. But unfortunately, my "pulling" isn't as hard as it should be. for some reason I still can't do it.. And I'm getting frustrated because I know I really need this, yet I don't have the strength to do it.. :( I wanna cry now... God please, please help me. :(

Realize

Here's the lyrics of the song from Colbie Calliat, Realize, for my best-est friend. :) para sa atin 'to..I hope they realize that in time. :)

Take time to realize

That your warmth is

Crashing down on in
Take time to realize

That I am on your side

Didn't I, didn't I tell you

But I can't spell it out for you

No it's never gonna be that simple

No I can't spell it out for you

If you just realize

What I just realized

Then we'd be perfect for each other

And we'll never find another

Just realize

What I just realized

We'd never have to wonder

If we missed out on each other, now

Take time to realize

Oh oh, I'm on your side

Didn't I, didn't I tell you

Take time to realize

This all could pass you by

Didn't I tell you.

But I can't spell it out for you

No it's never gonna be that simple

No I can't spell it out for you

If you just realize

What I just realized

Then we'd be perfect for each other

And we'll never find another

Just realize

What I just realized

We'd never have to wonder

If we missed out on each other, but

It's not the same

No it's never the same

If you don't feel it too

If you meet me half way

If you would meet me half way

It could be the same for you

If you just realize
What I just realized

Then we'd be perfect for each other

And we'll never find another

Just realize

What I just realized

We'd never have to wonder

Just realize

What I just realized

If you just realize

What I just realized..

Someday, I know, someone will realize your worth--and love you wholeheartedly. It may, or may not be him, but it will definitely come. :) Someone out there will see what a wonderful person you are-- how simple, beautiful, intelligent, compassionate, trustworthy, strong, responsible...oh, the list is enless. But the bottomline is, you are an amazing person, and we see that in you, I see that in you.. definitely someone will.

Remember what I told you last night [or around 1AM? hahahaha], you are beautiful, and I'm saying this not because I am your friend but simply because you are. :) I love you and I'll always be here for you, most especially if you want to "reverse roles". :) you are one of the most remarkable people I've met in my life and you know that I'll forever treasure our friendship. You have been in my life for quite a long time now and I hope you'd still be in it even after what? a hundred years? :) basta. Thank you for making me feel that I'm not alone. For constantly being there for me, whenever. I love you dearie. *hug*

P.S. I know I not as good as you are when it comes to writing, but, I hope you get what I mean. :)

P.P.S. Nahirapan ako maghanap ng picture natin together. we should have one album na tayo lang dalawa. hahahaha. :) I love you girl! :)

Get Lucky, Get Blessed, Get Love.

I was browsing through my friends at friendster when I saw the homepage of this girl named Suzanne. I remember her from my freshman year at Bloomfield. We're not really close... actually not close at all, that's why I never heard about any news when I left Bloomfield to transfer to Seton, moreso when we all graduated highschool and started college.

Now I see her, with this guy, in the US! Her status says "Married" but I don't think they are though. But still, the idea of being with the person she loves, in a differenct country and all that.. Makes me want to think that indeed, some people get lucky in love.

Even just seeing Liana and Keng super in love.. Looking perfect for each other, Having a "perfect" relationship [not perfect as in no problems and obstacles and such, but you know, they manage to survive through it all]... Makes me want to think that some people are indeed blessed in love.

I don't know, even if I say that I'm not believing in that happy ending anymore, finding that right guy for me anymore... At the back of my mind.. I'm still HOPING my Mr. Right would come soon and take me and make everything all right... :)

The Pressure's Up!

I know, maybe you'll think my reaction's a bit...late, na ngayon ko lang narealize na kailangan na pala ako mag-panic.

With barely 2 weeks before the finals, a week before some deadlines, I think I'm gonna be spending days and days of sleepless nights, doing papers in two subjects.. FINQUAM, and BUSIPOL. Okay, konti lang yan compared to the other people who has 6 subjects and 6 papers all at the same time. I'm just glad, underload na ako ngayon, I'll only be taking 12 units until I finish school, probably because I already took some floating subjects when I was fixing my shifting papers.

But hello?! FINQUAM is hard. At least for me. Well, I can't concentrate of reading those articles and getting to finish it to start making summaries and finally the synthesis. Me and my partner still have 3 articles to go plus the synthesis nga. I just hope I'll be able to find the ULTIMATE INSPIRATION [Okay, let me clear this, it doesn't have to be SOMEONE, just, some.. whatever that could be a source of joy and everything. hahaha I'm so weird.].

I don't have class today because the school cancelled the afternoon and evening classes so I'll be spending the next few days of Holy Week here at home, bumming.. AND DOING MY PAPERS!

The term is about to end! And I'm about to undergo my OJT... I honestly don't know what to expect. I think I'll be working at the Department of Finance or the BSP, which is good because I'll be having a busy time juggling my OJT duties and rehearsals and performances at school for the upcoming LPEP again, and it's better that it's just near school! New Freshmen again! I'm excited although I havent't heard the song that we're gonna sing..

Oooops! Before the OJT I'll ba having a Leadership Training and Teambuilding Seminar [2 days at school and an overnight in I don't know where yet] in preparation for being an Executive Board in Innersoul. I'm actually excited!

Nakikini-kinita ko na na I won't have time for a vacation talaga.. On my last summer vacation ng college.

I'll just have to maximize the time that I'm gonna have, if ever there will be.

Falling in Love

I can't help but post this here even if I told myself that this blog should be purely about my thoughts; my own posts. But it's so nice and I kind of feel that it's applicable to where I am now.

I wanna believe that I can find someone and fall in love again.

Liana commented on my previous post and I'm gonna say this here:
"Someday, someone will come into your life and make you realize why it never worked out with anyone else."

I wish I can stil believe that you know. :)

From the book Letters to My Son by Kent Nerburn

Falling In Love

It is a mystery why we fall in love.
It is a mystery how it happens.
It is a mystery when it comes.
It is a mystery why some love grows and it is a mystery why some love fails.

You can analyze this mystery and look for reasons and causes, but you will never do anymore than take the life out of the experience.

Just as life itself is more than the sum of the bones and muscles and electrical impulses in the body, love is more than the sum of the interests and attractions and commonalities that two people share.

And just as life is a gift that comes and goes in its own time, so too, the coming of love must be taken as an unfathomable gift that cannot be questioned in its ways.

Sometimes, hopefully at least once in your life - the gift of love will come to you in full flower, and you will take hold of it and celebrate it in all inexpressible beauty. This is the dream we all share.

More often, it will come and take hold of you, celebrate you for a brief moment, then move on.

When this happens to young people, they too often try to grasp the love and hold it to them, refusing to see that it is gift that is freely given and a gift that just as freely, moves away.

When they fall out of love, or the person they love feels the spirit of love leaving, they try desperately to reclaim the love that is lost rather than accepting the gift for what it was, then moving on.

They want answers where there are no answers. They want to know what is wrong in them that makes the other person no longer love them, or they try to get their lover to change, thinking that if some small things were different, love would bloom again.

They blame their circumstances and say that if they go far away and start a new life together, their love will grow.

They try anything to give meaning to what happened. But there is no meaning beyond the love itself, and until they accept its own mysterious ways, they live in a sea of misery.

You need to know this about love, and to accept it. You need to treat what it brings you with kindness.

If you find yourself in love with someone who does not love you, be gentle with yourself. There is nothing wrong with you. Love just didn't choose to rest in the other person's heart.

If you find someone else in love with you and you don't love him, feel honoured that love came and called at your door, but gently refuse the gift you cannot return. Do not take advantage, do not cause pain. How you deal with love is how you deal with you, and all our hearts feel the same pains and joys, even if our lives and ways are different.

If you fall in love with another, and he falls in love with you, and then love chooses to leave, do not try to reclaim it or to assess blame. Let it go. There is a reason and there is a meaning. You will know in time.

Remember that you don't choose love. Love chooses you. All you can really do is accept it for all its mystery when it comes into your life. Feel the way it fills you to overflowing, then reach out and give it away.

Give it back to the person who brought it alive in you. Give it to others who deem it poor in spirit. Give it to the world around you in anyway you can. This is where many lovers go wrong. Having been so long without love, they understand love only as a need. They see their hearts as empty places that will be filled by love, and they begin to look at love as something that flows to them rather than from them.

The first blush of new love is filled to overflowing, but as their love cools, they revert to seeing their love as a need. They cease to be someone who generates love and instead becomes someone who seeks love. They forget that the secret of love is that it is a gift, and that it can be made to grow only by giving it away..
Remember this, and keep it to your heart. Love has its own time, its own seasons, and its own reasons for coming and going. You cannot bribe it or coerce it, or reason it into staying. You can only embrace it when it arrives and give it away when it comes to you. But if it choose to leave from your heart or from the heart of your lover, there is nothing you can do and there is nothing you should do.

Love always has been and always will be a mystery. Be glad that it came to live for a moment in your life.

If you keep your heart open, it will come again.

I Think He Knows...

..rather, I KNOW THAT HE KNOWS.

I knew that it wouldn’t take long until he finds out, for I know I’m never good at hiding my emotions—of extreme joy, or kilig, or everything else.

It doesn’t really bother me that he already knows that I STILL like him, but it’s just that I’m kind of bothered and kinda questioning why, despite the fact that he knew [or felt] that I like him, he still keeps on reaching out? Why does he always initiate our chats at YM or why does he still talk to me before classes or whenever we have time? No, don’t get me wrong, of course I’d still want to talk to him, share whatever things with him, because, I STILL LIKE HIM. It just bothers me and keeps me wondering…”Why does he give me all the chances to get to know him more—therefore to like him even more, when he already recognized that we could only be friends; that he chose to be my friend?” My mind tends to over-analyze things, that’s why I’m coming up with all these kinds of thoughts. I know he doesn’t mean to [because he doesn’t know how I feel now, I mean what I feel since I knew that he knew.] make me feel this way, na parang sinasadya nyang magustuhan ko siya, eh alam naman nya na hindi naman siya gagawa ng move; ayoko lang yung feeling na I'm hoping there could be something when in fact there's none, I’m just... bothered. I have questions in my head that I want to ask him but I know I never could. I don’t want to ruin a good friendship anyway. I don’t want this to again be a reason for shattered friendships; I’ve had enough of that.

I’m just letting my feelings out here, so that I just could… let it out. Because I feel really bad about the exam yesterday and..

..maybe the fact that I know that nothing’s ever gonna happen.

..that I have to keep my feet up and just..move on.

..that I’ll just have to find someone as goal-oriented, as funny, as spontaneous, as intelligent, as clean, as respectful, and as decent as he is.

For all those who wonder why I like him [especially one person who really shouldn’t be asking why in the first place..because I guess she should know], there it is. There’s a lot more, but I don’t wanna bore you into that.

Uhmm. I just want to know, what the heck is wrong with me? I know I'm not exceptionally beautiful, I know I'm not as smart as my Eco-Finance classmates or my BSA friends, I know I'm not the girly-girly conservative and reserved girl that I think most of the guys would want, I know I'm not a simple/conservative girl--in terms of clothing, I know I'm not..conservative. period.-- and I know I can't be like them; because I choose to be me... Spontaneous, boisterous, lively, and fun-loving me. Never irresponsible [maybe sometimes], but just.. know that I do what needs to be done... I want a person who would like me as me... Who would accept me for everything that I am; including my faults and failures. I would want to believe that there is, someone out there who's waiting to meet me but then I guess I'm kind of not believing it anymore. Okay, people say, I'm still young, I know I am, but... sheesh. I can't explain and I don't want to; for not all people could understand how I think, most especially how I feel.

This is entirely one self-pity moment.

Okay, moving on..

I'm Giving Up.

I'm giving up already.. I can't focus on anything anymore.. It feels like everything I do doesn't make sense anymore.. I feel like I'm not giving effort on the things that I truly need.. I lack the courage, I lack the strength-- physical, emotional and spiritual.. I hope I can be able to regain my strength and stand up again.. soon. or else, I'll be doomed in this forever.

I don't wanna go for something unsure. but fate keeps taking me there. I don't wan to get hurt for the nth time, but I guess I'll have to go through it over and over.. I'm tired of the pain.and the sorrow. But what can I do? I always lead myself back to the things that gives me those very same things.. In the end I just want a happy life.

I'm sorry this is such a weird blog. I can't study. I can't do anything. I guess all I need to do is sleep and hope I'll be fine tomorrow for my dreaded exam. I don't wanna fail.

Taking a Few Minutes of my Time..

The clock is ticking. It's already 10:30 PM, and I just finished having dinner [or snack, because I'm trying to lose weight again], I just got home around 10:00 PM because Dez and I stayed at Starbucks to chat, when I should be going home already because I'll be having "the exam" tomorrow. I'm dreading waking up tomorrow unprepared so I'll try my best to study really really hard tonight [even if I stay 'til dawn] because I can't afford to fail-- I don't want to fail! [who wants to?] But I still feel that no matter how hard I study, I'll never be able to answer tomorrow's questions with ease. I don't know what's in store for us tomorrow I'm kinda scared... We'll be spending three solid hours solving..rather trying to answer the only ones we could..

I wanna get this over and done with.

Icky Feeling of Kabaduyan

It's so funny that I keep thinking about you and you don't have any idea about it.

It's so funny that I feel butterflies whenever we talk, even for just a moment.

It's so funny that I wanna freeze every moment so that I could lovingly gaze into your eyes for a long time.

It's so funny I'm doing this, when I should be doing something else important.

It's so funny I'm becoming so baduy because of this!

I'm going crazy already. Please please help me!

I deserve to be happy; I deserve a decent lovelife. HAHAHA.

So much for this icky entry. Just pretend you didn't see this one here; I just had to let it out. haha. :)

An Unexpected Message

A simple "Good morning" could brighten up my day, especially if it came from "The Surfer Boy". Hahahaha. It's just that he's not the type who'd text or send a message on YM for no reason [actually it was the first time he ever sent me YM message! It was me who'd reach out and text him or send a YM message whenever I'm losing my mind, or when friends would encourage me into "keeping the connection" haha..]

How did I meet him? Well, I met him at a dating game my friend asked me to go to and be a searcher. And Surfer Boy was the searchee who won. We had a double date with the organizer of the event [my friend and blockmate] and her boyfriend. I was fascinated by the fact that he's into music [I guess I always have a thing for musicians or singers or dancers? Other than that, those who are smart. :)] and intrigued that he's kinda quiet but funny. I know, it's contradicating, but that's the way he is!

Anyway, I was just happy he asked how I was. :) Oh, happy day? No, I haven't even left the house yet!

22 Years and Counting..

My mom and dad celebrated their 22nd anniversary in a different way.



Instead of the usual "dinner at a resto" or something romantic, they chose to GIVE.



They celebrated their anniversary by eating at my Tita's hamburger and fishball stand [at their house], brought the pancit that my mom cooked, bought kikiam and chicken balls there, and gave my tita one cavan of rice which could really be of help to them now that they aren't receiving any money from my uncle in Canada. We ate happily while talking about anything we could think of. We chatted endlessly like there's no tomorrow.. We laughed our hearts out and forgot every single problem that we have...



Hmmm. I just wanna say, I'm proud of my parents. Eventhough we seldom argue about different things, I'm still happy and grateful to be their daughter, to have such wonderful parents. They have always shown me the "art of giving" and I've learned pretty much through the years.



I say, more years to come for the both of them! :)



P.S. I'm still thinking if I'm gonna go to my tita's house back again and bond with my cousins and leave the house all to themselves [my parents]. What do you think? :)

Going Gaga over Gossip Girl

Everyone's talking about Gossip Girl! Or every girl at least. :)



A few months ago, I have already heard my friend talk about Gossip Girl. I never thought that it was a TV series though, but a magazine or something else not really worth my time.



Then January came and I was thinking of a "character" for our February concert's poster and that friend suggested I go for the "fashionista" look and showed me a picture of the stars of Gossip Girl [4th episode specifically, when S and B went shopping and saw Dan], and I didn't quite like their style [Blair's actually], and therefore went for another "character".



And then, I came across this TV show that's been airing at ETC now, and I'm really really loving it! I love the way they dress and basically I love the storyline. I've been downloading the episodes on the net, eager to see what will happen next...

I remember how Kenji and I talked about how we can really relate to the story, not because we're part of "The Elite" [because we're/I'm not, but maybe the others, or maybe majority of the people at school], but because of all the GOSSIP. Being a student artist in school isn't as easy as people think it is. We may have some privileges, but being in there entails so much more aside from all the rehearsals and performances. In order to "survive", one needs to have a tough heart and mind to be able to get past all the gossips, may it be true or not, and be able to stand firm to defend yourself and keep yourself from falling... that's what I learned.



Like what gossip girl said [or at least what I heard]: "You're a nobody until you've been talked about."

First of the many weird entries.

I’ve been picking up pieces of thoughts..

I was inspired by a friend of mine to create my own blog. A blog that’s so different from what I have in my multiply account. Something that can be of “worth”, something that people could learn from my everyday life.. something that teens like me could ponder about the simplest to the most complicated of our generation’s worries. Not that I’m an expert at this and I know all the solutions to all of our problems, but I just wanna write something [or things] that can be of value [or not] to some people, most especially to my friends, and for me to be able to express myself as well. Not just through all the surveys, questions to be answered, etc. that has always been the “in” thing to do especially when you’re totally bored. Okay here it goes.

First up: Too much things to do, so little time.

Do you know the feeling when you know you have too many things to do that you just end up just lying around the corner, and not being able to do anything at all? That’s what I feel and that’s what I’m doing. Next week, I'll be having a Long Exam on my hardest Finance major subject ever, and I haven’t had the courage to study. I also have a summary to submit [a draft for our final paper’ it’s not really required but I have been giving myself and my partner a deadline—that both of us wasn't able to accomplish unfortunately.] Then there’s the submission of applications to be part of next year’s Executive Team of CARe—I’m still thinking if I’m really gonna join this one because it means more responsibility! Haha.

I have all these things to do… Yet I still do not have the courage to make a move and do a little something about it. And it doesn’t feel good at all. I want to do it, but I just do not have the drive.. Anyway, I guess I’ll have to push myself a little more later.

Second issue: Myself. Haha. That’s always an issue.

I like this guy who told me he liked me way back but didn’t pursue me because he’s friends with my ex and bestfriends with one of my college friends. He knows I LIKED him too, but he doesn’t know that I like him still. Liking him even more actually.

Now he’s kinda liking this girl who I don’t really like [Well, I don’t personally know her but I can tell that I wouldn’t like her. Okay, I’m mean, fine, but that’s the way I feel you know?] And he’s kind of thinking on making a move on her. AND he first told it to ME. Wow, can you imagine how frustrated and sad I was? Hahaha.

I have grown fond of our friendship. Really. I started to befriend him last term when we were classmates in 3 subjects [basically we see each other everyday], we started being “study buddies”, doing reviewers for each other, studying in the library and all that stuff. I loved hanging around with him, he influences me to study even more... I liked him back then, but I was infatuated with this guy that used to like me back so I gave more attention to the latter who ended up screwing both our friendship and our lives. I didn’t know he liked me that time. And as if it would matter [WOULD IT?] I really do not know.



Wait. My thoughts are kind of messed up now; I think I’ll have to end it here. I'll just continue when my thoughts are all lined up again.





Meanwhile, I'll just be singing, "..over you.. I'm never over, over you.. something about you, it's just the way you move, the way you move me.."



As i come to think of it, this entry does not have any worth. At all. Poor me.