I Think He Knows...

..rather, I KNOW THAT HE KNOWS.

I knew that it wouldn’t take long until he finds out, for I know I’m never good at hiding my emotions—of extreme joy, or kilig, or everything else.

It doesn’t really bother me that he already knows that I STILL like him, but it’s just that I’m kind of bothered and kinda questioning why, despite the fact that he knew [or felt] that I like him, he still keeps on reaching out? Why does he always initiate our chats at YM or why does he still talk to me before classes or whenever we have time? No, don’t get me wrong, of course I’d still want to talk to him, share whatever things with him, because, I STILL LIKE HIM. It just bothers me and keeps me wondering…”Why does he give me all the chances to get to know him more—therefore to like him even more, when he already recognized that we could only be friends; that he chose to be my friend?” My mind tends to over-analyze things, that’s why I’m coming up with all these kinds of thoughts. I know he doesn’t mean to [because he doesn’t know how I feel now, I mean what I feel since I knew that he knew.] make me feel this way, na parang sinasadya nyang magustuhan ko siya, eh alam naman nya na hindi naman siya gagawa ng move; ayoko lang yung feeling na I'm hoping there could be something when in fact there's none, I’m just... bothered. I have questions in my head that I want to ask him but I know I never could. I don’t want to ruin a good friendship anyway. I don’t want this to again be a reason for shattered friendships; I’ve had enough of that.

I’m just letting my feelings out here, so that I just could… let it out. Because I feel really bad about the exam yesterday and..

..maybe the fact that I know that nothing’s ever gonna happen.

..that I have to keep my feet up and just..move on.

..that I’ll just have to find someone as goal-oriented, as funny, as spontaneous, as intelligent, as clean, as respectful, and as decent as he is.

For all those who wonder why I like him [especially one person who really shouldn’t be asking why in the first place..because I guess she should know], there it is. There’s a lot more, but I don’t wanna bore you into that.

Uhmm. I just want to know, what the heck is wrong with me? I know I'm not exceptionally beautiful, I know I'm not as smart as my Eco-Finance classmates or my BSA friends, I know I'm not the girly-girly conservative and reserved girl that I think most of the guys would want, I know I'm not a simple/conservative girl--in terms of clothing, I know I'm not..conservative. period.-- and I know I can't be like them; because I choose to be me... Spontaneous, boisterous, lively, and fun-loving me. Never irresponsible [maybe sometimes], but just.. know that I do what needs to be done... I want a person who would like me as me... Who would accept me for everything that I am; including my faults and failures. I would want to believe that there is, someone out there who's waiting to meet me but then I guess I'm kind of not believing it anymore. Okay, people say, I'm still young, I know I am, but... sheesh. I can't explain and I don't want to; for not all people could understand how I think, most especially how I feel.

This is entirely one self-pity moment.

Okay, moving on..