Friday, July 31, 2009

Why Now?

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I would've understood if you did it from the very beginning, because I know you said you were hurt, and I understand because I have my faults.

But why now?
I really can't understand.

For the record I wasn't trying to make you look bad. If anything, I was protecting you and defending you. When everyone tells me it's not healthy anymore and all that, and that you're such a jackass and a loser, I THOUGHT OTHERWISE. So don't come telling anybody that I tore your image down (or something like that). And that you're hurt. Okay, fine, you're hurt and yeah it's my fault. But didn't you ever realize that I ALSO WAS HURT BY ALL THESE? Do you know that there were months I spent thinking about you everyday without fail? That I cry over "what could have beens", that includes "What if I didn't went into this 'relationship'?", because if it weren't for what happened, maybe we'd still be the good friends that we were waaaay back, and maybe you'll still be "the ex-fling of my close friend" and not "MY ex-fling".. and maybe I wouldn't have fallen in love with you and got hurt because YOU DON'T FEEL THE SAME.

NOW TELL ME WHO GOT HURT MORE.


Tuesday, July 28, 2009

God's Message

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"But everyone who denies me here on earth, I will also deny before my Father in Heaven." -Matthew 10:33

Since yesterday, God has been impressing this verse to me. First, I saw it when I was studying in Bible school that morning, then accidentally, that night, when I was reading the Bible I came across this verse again. I know what God has been telling me all along. Do you know what he's saying to you now?

It's never too late to change our old ways. In our world right now, I know it is pretty damn hard, considering all the temptations and all the opportunities that you're going to pass out in order to follow Him, but WE SHOULD, if we want to end up in His Kingdom. Like the Bible says, "The road to hell is wide; the pathway to heaven is narrow." "Many are called but few are chosen."

I don't know about you, but I want to be part of the FEW who are CHOSEN.

I know I'm not living a Godly lifestyle right now, but I'm trying to take a turn.


Dilemma

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I know, I haven't been writing for days. I've been kind of busy. and I don't have enough time to construct my thoughts and write (well I don't even feel like I'm in the mood to write right now but, I just have to get this out of my system I currently have no one to talk to for everyone's at work or something!).

It's just that I haven't been receiving emails from the people I should be receiving emails from. I'm scared my dreams will all be shattered just because I don't think I have enough experience as compared to my soon-to-be colleague who's a finalist at a Reality TV Singing Show and have been part of Summer Theater Musicals. But I have the heart! I have the heart! And the talent.

I have to lean more on the grace og God, I know I should. Help!

Saturday, July 25, 2009

Cheat Day Today

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For the past week or so, I have been trying to go on a diet--no rice, less amount of food intake during meals, (sort of) exercise which is walking, (I think pangmatanda nga lang ata ito pero I don't have time!) basta. Today, Sunday, is my cheat day. :)

I WANT TO EAT

BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO EAT..

I'M HUNGRAY AND... FINE I WANT CARBONARA FROM CHURCH...

PERO MAMAYA PA AKO MAKAKAPUNTANG CHURCH.

AWWWW ang fun ng problem ko. :))

Thursday, July 23, 2009

Remembering the Past

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For so long (as in so long), I have been looking for my journals when I was in Fourth year highschool I think. I know I had those cute pink diaries bought from Regalong Pambahay which I kept everywhere hidden around my room. It is hidden because my mom has a tendency to raid my room for those diaries (when I was younger, now I leanred not to have those, because I know she'll be raiding my stuff again if she finds out haha!). Even waaay back, I think she got and read my diaries and that pissed me off real bad so, I'm just glad I'm a really talkative person now than before and I have close friends to share my thoughts and problems with so there. :)

Anyway, going back, I FOUND ONE!! It's the volume 2 though of my three part diary in foruth year. I was so excited to see it and immediately flipped through the pages and read the entries. It was definitely FUNNY! Dati pa lang pala, madrama na ako. HAHAHA!! Really! It's all about school and insecurities about friends having a "lovelife" and I'm not having one... Some fantasies I'd rather not talk about (for it's very very stupid.. and crazy.. and funny all at the same time!). Basta, it's all so funny and sad at the same time. I had issues then that I still am having NOW (guess what hahahaha). It's nice to look back, still.

Why did I share this? Well, The thing that I'm really gonna share is a like a story about love (How we "fall" in love). It's kind of nice (Pero kasi ngayon I don't believe that it is called "falling" in love eh, basta I'll share my insight in the next few days na I got from I Kissed Dating Goodbye, 'coz I kinda have a hectic schedule with Bible school and stuffs haha). Haha! I just forgot where exactly did I got this.

Falling in love is like going into a building with that person... After the first impression, the first smile, or the first whatever that caught your attention, you go into the lobby... Every step you take, he/she gives you a reason to take another step forward... then another... then another... Until you get to the point of going to the second floor...

You climb the stairs together, getting to know each other... You find out you have a lot in common... You find out about the things that he/she likes... about the things that he/she hates... you find yourself laughing over each other's embarrassing moments... You start to feel something... You start to feel the friendship the moment you step into the second floor...

You keep on climbing the stairs, and as you go, your friendship goes to a whole new level... He/she tells you practically everything... You start to develop a relationship with each other that has no inhibitions, no restrictions... You begin to know each other so well... You're so comfortable... And by the time you step onto the platform of the third floor, you know, he/she cares for you...

And so the two of you continue climbing the stairs, but this time you're going hand in hand... He/she is much closer to you now... Even more comfortable than before... And you think to yourself "Is this still the friendship talking? Or is it something else?"

The moment those thoughts enter your mind, your heart flutters everytime he/she gestures to hold your hand, or steady on your arm... Your heart skips a beat everytime the person just smiles... And by the time the two of you share a hug, all you feelings have exploded and you find yourself stepping onto the platform of the fourth floor...

You don't know what to do... You feel like something's different... That something else is going on between the two of you... That he/she likes you... And that you are starting to feel the same way... to your excitement, you rush out of the stairwell to take the elevator to the rooftop... You're thinking, "This is it! This is finally it!" You're ready to take the fall... But when you've reached the edge of the rooftop, you realize that he/she is not behind you... You worry... You start to wonder, "Why am I alone here?" Then looking below you, you see him/her waiting for you... He/she screams, "Don't be afraid... I'm here to catch you!" your heart suddenly became as big as the moon... The one you love is right there waiting, just waiting to catch you from your fall! You don't hesitate another minute, you jump and you end up below, in his/her arms, with all your love and admiration, you hug that person and thank him/her for catching you... BUT HERE'S THE THING... He/she made it down fast to catch you right? That person never left the fourth floor dreary... AND SO THERE LAY THE TRADGEDY... You were so caught up in your emotions that you rushed your way into love... Not even thinking about the other person.. You skipped so many moments, so many signs and so many detours that you didn't see what you left behind... Now, what are you left with?THE SAME PERSONYOU FIRST SAW AT THE LOBBY. You're back to the smiles, and the simple "hey" you had together in the beginning.

WHY?

The person went bacdown to cath you remember?

DON'T LOOK FOR SOMEONE TO CATCH YOU... find someone who would take time to climb the staps with you an have their arms around you when you decide to take the fall... Don't rush... If you're not sure that the person wants to go up another floor, don't beat him/her to it... THAT'S THE STUPIDEST MOST PAINFUL AND MOST REGRETFUL THING YOU COULD DO...


Oh HAPPY Day.

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I'm just trying to keep myself from bursting out like crazy. It isn't a happy day. Haha!

But I have to practice positivity because I'll get wrinkles early if I don't stop thinking about these things about problems and issues and such.

And I'm not in the mood to discuss it here. Not today, not any day.

P.S. I got a letter na from my work asking for my documents! I can't believe this is really happening. Kirs once told me, na this is the reward (although I'm not calling it a reward I just cen't find of any other term, but she used that kasi) for all the hardships I've been enduring for the past months, maybe even years. :) Oh well, all I know is that God is really good to me. and I'm so grateful for it.

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Dreams Come True

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'Nuff said. :)

Sunday, July 19, 2009

Korean Invasion 2.0

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I have been just listening and watching videos from YouTube of these Korean girl groups and Kor told me to look for This Time by Wonder Girls.. It is really beautiful! I just want to share the Video with English subtitles. Beautifully sang :) Sunye (the Leader of the group, the short-haired one) andYubin (the rapper) are my favorites :) (I hope I got their names right though, I only got them from Kor :))




This Time



P.S. all my vids are from YouTube.com, i just download them to store them in my Ipod :)

Korean Invasion

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KOREAN INVASION AT ITS FINEST!! This time, it isn't all about the Koreanovelas, but singing groups!! The video above is the Live version of Fire, from the girl group 2ne1, where our very own (then) actress, Sandara Park is part of. Finally her dream of becoming a famous star in Korea came true, after all the hard work of course. :) Anyway, I just love it. I always get hyped up whenever girl groups sing and dance at the same time, it's what I've always wanted-- and overall performance! I hope I get to do that professionally someday ;)

The Secret

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Before going out and singing Praise and Worship to the 5:30 congregation, Kuya Edwin shared to us this very meaningful quote he got from the movie Facing the Giants (I haven't watched this; I should though.):

The Secret of life is LETTING GO; the secret of love is LETTING IT SHOW.





Saturday, July 18, 2009

Word for Today

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In Facebook, I am part of the group I am CHRISTian --- 777,777,777 CHRISTIANS.

Almost everyday, someone sends us a message that gives us this "Word for the Day". It may be a short short story and a verse connected to it, or simply a verse. I would just like to share to you this message:

A Life Of Not Living

First, I was dying to finish high school.
Then, I was dying to finish college.
Next, I was dying to marry and have children.
After that, I was dying for my children to grow up enough so that I could return to work.
Then, I was dying to retire
And now,
I am dying,

And suddenly,
I realize
I forgot to live.

“Live life to its fullest (Godly way), treasure every moment, enjoy what you have TODAY! Because TOMORROW may no longer come...”

In our world today, we're always used to the fast paced life, that's why snail mails are replaced by E-MAIL, telagrams are replaced with TELEPHONES or better yet CELLPHONES, even in courtship, the guys before usually have to visit a girl to be able to talk to them and woo them (haha) but now, text messaging makes that a lot more easier, and so forth. We always want to get things done the fastest it can be, without realizing that maybe we are missing some parts of our lives. I, for one, am thi kind of person who, even as a young girl, wanted to just grow up and be independent because I didn't want my strict parents getting in the way of how to live my life. Now, I do understand why they are doing that, although we often see things in a different way, at least I am able to understand the "why's" in their actions; it may be overboard a couple of times, but what can I say? I think I wouldn't be the person that I am now if it weren't for them. Sure, you'll still see my post about maybe bashing them or just letting out my thoughts whenever we have misunderstandings, but the thing is, at the end of the day, they still are my parents who'll always be there no matter what, how, when and why.

Anyway what I'm saying is simply to not rush through life, yes, live life to the fullest, in a Godly way. I know, people of this generation are struggling to live a Godly lifestyle, and even I'm part of that. I have and am faced with circumstances that exposes me to so much temptation, some I've denied, some I've given in, and I'm not proud of it. Now I just feel like it's never too late to change so I am changing for the better, for I want to learn to grow spiritually. :)

MATTHEW 6:34 ---
"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own..."


Thursday, July 16, 2009

Fulfilled.

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Yesterday was a very tiring day. I woke up at around 4:30AM to fix up and all and it was raining hard outside. I'm like, "God, don't you want me to do this?" But then of course, being the fighter that I am (yes, I'm a fighter, I'd like to think I am), and being that I've spent effort (not on rehearsing, but on making things right about this day) and emotions for this, of course I still went for it.

...

...

...

10:00AM: Going to that auditions was a FIRST. I never auditioned for anything this big before, because my parents wanted me to concentrate (then) on my studies, and I was still young then to force what I want right? Haha! Anyway, at first it really felt awkward because it seemed like the people knew each other, perhaps, they've been on the same theater workshop over the summer, or they are the same ones who auditioned last week at Universal Studios, or they just knew each other because they auditioned last year. It's not that I'm alone, I'm with a couple of friends actually, but they also knew the people because of the auditions last week. So I'm the "new girl" to say the least. There were a lot of people, we're over a hundred in number!

I was kinda nervous when while we were waiting, because I wasn't able to vocalize, and I haven't rehearsed my song with live music (I only practised on the minus ones I got from the internet, but the audition would entail singing with a live pianist so, it is still kind of different), and.. yeah I'm a newbie and I don't know anything about the process and stuff, and I'm the kind of person who kinda hates not knowing, so there. But before we went in, I was able to kind of fully rehearse my songs about 4-5 times, but I was still not that confident.

...

...

...

I came in the audition room, saw 2 judges (both American, a guy and a girl) and a pianist, who, from what I've heard, is the Musical Director of Disneyland Hongkong himself (WOW). I sang my first song, Love You I Do (Dreamgirls), but the guy judge (I can only assume) didn't like the song (did not let me finish the whole 16 bars), and asked for my second song, which was Reflections (Mulan). I sang it first time, Pop version (Chirstina Aguilera's), so I sang the first line quite softly then he let me repeat it again belting it out. Then after singing the first time they said, "We'll see you at 3PM for the next round." AMAZING RIGHT? HAHAHA well I'm quite amazed because I thought the guy judge didn't like me (because he wasn't smiling!). I guess, if God really wanted it to happen, it will, no matter what the circumstances are.

3:00 PM Round 2 Auditions: We were taught a Disney song (Son of Man, Tarzan) and was tasked to sing it individually (while they videotape it). To make the long story short, I got in the second round! Truly, God's grace is abounding towards all of us who got in. :)

Right after the cut, we were asked to go inside the audition room (during that time, we were only maybe about 12 then (?), 4 guys 6 girls, inclusing Red and I) and learn a routine from Highschool Musical (YEY!) entitled "What Time Is It". Dancing actually felt really really GOOD! It felt like, I was really meant to do this, I was really meant to rock this! HAHAHAHA! No but seriously, I really felt at home. :) So there, after we learned the routine we were asked to perform it while they videotape it. We waited a couple of minutes outside the studio then they asked one guy (I'm so sorry I forgot your name! I'm bad with names!) to come in the studio again, and I think we heard him sing a piece from Mulan, so we thought they're looking for a male lead for Mulan. Then the remaining guys were asked to come inside and we heard them sing a song from Highschool Musical (YEY AGAIN HAHA!), then we girls were up next and we were just asked to hit a certain note in HSM's We're All In This Together (Gosh, I didn't know the song by heart, so everybody's adlibbing and I just went with the flow..I just hope that won't mess up my chances, will it?)

After a few minutes again, they told us to expect a call soon (for they really have spots ofpen for Disneyland Hongkong) maybe 2 weeks time, if we made it or not.

Then we left na. Hehe!

So now, I have to bear the agony... No, I won't use the terms "bear the agony" for this.. I have to just wait and be hopeful that things turn out well. :) God's will above all else. :)

P.S. Auditioning was fun! I had an awesome experience :)

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

I'm Dead Nervous

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I've never been this nervous for a very long time. I am totally not prepared!!!!

God please please help me :)

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

First Step.

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My facebook status says, "Taking the first step to making my dreams come true (?) God please guide me, i need guidance. HAHAHA!"

Yes, I took the first step towards reaching what I really want to do. Mababaw na kung sa mababaw at sabihin na nilang wala akong ambisyon or wala akong growth dun pero this is what I really want. If things don't go my way, then it's not meant to be, just as anything (you want or dream) that doesn't work means. I just do not want to look back and ask myself of the "What ifs", I've had enough of that in love. This is an opportunity for MY FUTURE; read MY future. I will grab it.

If God willed for it to be mine, then so be it. I don't think there's harm in trying.

I just wish the people closest to me would support me. What's the point of bragging (to their friends and all other people) what I do best if I wouldn't be able to really practice and hone and make it a profession if I really love it that much? Moreso, how could I become mature enough in life if I don't get to choose the path I'm going to take?


Sunday, July 12, 2009

Something New

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Since I've recently decided to really be serious about my blogging, I thought I should really have a central theme for it, aside from the usual dramas of my life, or else, readers would get sick of my boring boring life and not visit my site again haha! So, since two of my most favorite TV series (as mentioned in my previous blog entries) are opening again this September (I think), I'll be having weekly accounts of them. I can't say reviews, because I don't know, I'm not that much of a critique and I'm kind of biased because I love both shows, but of course, being the talkative person that I am, I'll absolutely talk about every episode and all the drama of course.

I'm excited! Hahaha! I don't care if you're not but I am. :))

Grey's Anatomy Notes

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The perks of bumming around at home and absolutely doing nothing is.....




WATCHING TV SERIES!




I've been watching Grey's Anatomy for the past month and I've recently finished it. I know, I know, it's full of drama. Hello! Why am I called the drama queen if it weren't for my love of DRAMA?HAHAHA. No, actually, on the serious side, I really really loved it because I can relate to it. Bits and pieces of it is EVERYONE'S story. I specifically like the little stories of the patients admitted in the hospital, the different lives and stories they live... Not to mention the controversial and knitted lives of the characters in the story. And since I've got nothing to do, I'm going to point out the things that I like and the things that I don't in the series (we can share notes!haha!)

First of all, Preston Burke's exit from the show was devastating for me. I liked their relationship (him and Christina); it's not the usual mushy "I love you forever.." type of love stories but you'll see the depth of their feelings for each other... And the sudden change of mind of Burke (at their wedding day) really took a great turn for me for I was really devastated, 'coz I knew how much he wanted Christina and loved her (although in reality, Isaiah Washington's exit from the show was due to irreconcilable issues in the show search it for details). I also felt for Christina; the look on her face upon Burke's exit, the way she wanted to take her wedding dress off.... Sandra Oh's a very good actor.

I hate that Allison Shepherd had to leave the series!! Although I know, she had a spin off called Private Practice (I watched the Pilot episode, it's...not bad.), but her being IN the cast of Grey's is still...different. Everytime she guest stars on Grey's I feel really happy, although I don't like her character at the very beginning (she looked really old then but she became radiant and blooming as the episodes progressed), I liked her in the end, the "letting go" and stuff. :)

Here's what I like...

I like the season ender of Season 4 (I think it's season 4), where Meredith made a blueprint of their future home (through candles) in Derek's empty lot. It's just so amazing for a person like her (the opposite of a sweet and thoughtful girlfriend you know what I mean if you're watching it) could do such a thing, and just really showed how she loved Derek and (despite her denial to it) her capability it really go all the way (into marriage and commitment and responsibility) with him.

I also like how Owen in Season 5 became existent as Christina's love interest. We saw there that Christina handled the relationship in a different way compared to how she did it in her past relationship with Burke. Then she was more of a "taker" in the relationship, but with her relationship with Owen, she really took the plunge despite Owen's personal issues and all those, she choose to understand instead and guide him all the way through recovery. I must say, although I like the Christina-Burke tandem, I also like theirs..I don't know which one I like better.. Maybe Meredith and Derek's :)

Okay so much for blogging, I should sleep now. :)


Finding A Place In This World

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I am in this part of my life wherein I feel like I have no direction; I am lost.

Eversince graduating college, I have been searching for the perfect job for me. Call me idealistic (actually I am), but I am looking for a job that I would love-- I want to be happy working, I want to love what I am doing. But still, after months and months of looking.. I still am unsuccessful.

I never wanted Finance, I just wanted to shift courses and my mom won't let me unless I take this course (because during that time, 2 years ago, Finance is a very "in demand" course), so I've got no choice. I thought I think I'd like it since generally I like numbers, but of course during the course of study I realized it's more than that. Computations and mathematical problems are just a part of the whole field (I know! Call me naive!! haha!). But nonetheless, I knew I had to finish it, I don't wanna delay my stay in college (that was the primary reason why I shifted in the first place). I literally dragged myself into studying and finishing, trying to get good grades and all that... And I knew, I never wanted to pursue a career in finance. I wanted something to do with commuication, PR, creativity-- MARKETING.

I applied for marketing jobs, but of course the number one competition there are Marketing majors, becuase they have studied a lot more about the field than I did, although I did have the passion and the heart for learning. So I thought... "If there's one thing I know I'm good at that I would really have a chance in, what would it be?"

The answer was pretty simple... And I can confidently say that anybody I know could attest to it.

SINGING.

It was and is and will forever be my passion, my first love, my everything.

But then, circumstances, rather PEOPLE, forbid me to do what I love. I must've had the chance.. But my parents won't let me try it unfortunately, and that's why I'm really having a hard time.

Eversince I was a kid, all my decisions have been controlled basically by my parents. I understand, and I let them most of the time in the past (although I protest, now, I realize that without them, I would've gone lost in this world, you know what I mean?). But now I have graduated, I knew I had to make my own decisions, decide about my life and all that stuff because finally, I know I am "eligible" to handle my life. I thought I can finally be happy and live that life that I want to; enjoy the job that I want and all that. But no, I just can't. They seem to be a shadow in my life, controlling every step of the way. And I HAAAAAATE IT. I hate what they do because it seems like they won't let me live my life, because I'm still not responsible in their eyes (based on my mistakes in the past).

My point is, people do make mistakes, AND LEARN FROM IT. It doesn't necessarily mean when I commit a mistake, it already means I cannot handle responsibility, trust, or even myself. Everybody goes through that, and I know even they did. I understand them being afraid to see me hurt (or whatever their reason is why they won't let me basically live my life), but how eactly can I learn if they won;t let me try? They are my parents, and I know that part of the parents' responisibilities is guinding their children, but, they're not guiding me. they controlling me already and I feel stucked. therefore I even feel more depressed. And sad. And miserable. And all those kinds of things.

I thought my life already sucked after what happened to me months ago (by the way, I'm really etting the hang of him being gone), but this sucks even more :( 1) not having a job; 2) not having a peaceful relationship with my parents; 3) not having a direction in life.

I just hope I find my way soon :( that I finally put the pieces of my life back again. That I can finally by happy. That I can finally be peaceful. That I can finally be loved the way I deserve to be loved. That I can finally find my way back to where I should really be.

P.S. How do you know if it's meant for you if you don't try in the first place?